The indescribable gift...

Enjoy some snapshots of what our house looks like this Christmas... it's a bit more dressed up this year than the past few years. And I'm happy about that...



We "dressed" up the house a bit more this year because my parents were coming in for an early Christmas celebration. And if family was coming into town for Christmas that meant that the previous years' Christmas-ficus simply wasn't going to do. It was time for decking the halls a bit more...



So, deck the halls we did...


Here you are looking at a sled all decked out with greenery and ornaments and shiny/glitzy things...






And the kitchen table centerpiece, top view... we gathered up leftover branches at the tree farm when we picked out our tree. You'll see them all over the place...



Side view of the centerpiece...



Where the Christmas cards are perched and hung...






The centerpiece by the front door.... pine scented candle...




Garland over french doors... poinsettias, berries and lights...



Basket of cinnamon-scented pinecones, silk flowers, etc...




And the manger... without the manger none of this would mean ANYTHING.





"Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!" 2 Corinthians 9:15

Overjoyed and Saddened

The planning and rushing and standing in line and spending and all of that…

the never-ending discussions of what to get for kids of certain ages, where to find great deals, whose name was pulled for the gift exchange

and what in the world you are going to get for them...

It all saddened me so deeply today,

that I cried...

Tears fell for hurting and lost people.

Tears stung my cheeks for those who do not know

{or choose not to celebrate} the real reason for this season…

the birth of Jesus Christ, the most important reason we celebrate this season.

My heart tore in two …

And yet this has been one of the most joyous Christmases I've had for a very long time: I had the privilege of spending time with my parents... something I haven't done at Christmas time in over 10 years! We laughed together, we cried together... we enjoyed precious time together.

But I come back to this...

it does not matter that your children did/did not get the newest toy,

or that they are/are not wearing the newest clothing fads.

It does not matter that you couldn’t spend as much this year on presents.

It merely doesn’t matter…

What matters is… a babe was born in a stable.

Jesus Christ was sent to this earth by God the Father.

He walked among us, lived a Godly example here on earth,

shared God’s Great Commission,

was mocked and beaten and eventually sacrificed His life

for ME, for YOU, for generations to come...

This man who walked among us gave us the best gift we could ever, ever, ever ask for {and we didn’t even know we needed it}:

He gave us His unconditional love, His forgiveness, a hope and a future.

Click here for the Story of the birth of Christ, as told in the gospel of Luke

This year, more than ever, I celebrate Christ’s birth in a new way: by humbly serving Him more every day and searching out His will for my life.

It is my pleasure to sit at His feet and listen.

To sit in awe and be still with Him… with Him I can just be still.

I wish you and your family the most merry of Christmases…

as we celebrate Christ’s birth together.

From our home to yours, Merry CHRISTmas...

At the starting line…

feeling anticipation {but not anxious}.
feeling excitement {but not thrilled}.
feeling apprehensive {but not fearful}.

deep in my soul… I feel a stirring.

I sense a renewing, some change getting ready to take place.

I can almost see God creating something new in me as I sit here and type.

I so look forward to seeing what it is… to seeing that change happen before my eyes.

I look forward to realizing that what I’ve been anticipating has come to fruition.

And yet somehow I know that’s a long way out…

benediction:

show me where you want me to go, Lord…

I am your servant.

lead your way in me and show me what you would have me do,

who to serve, how to be YOU on this earth…


I’ll start with the first step… obeying you.

I'm standing here at the starting line… ready for the journey…

A {strong} challenge...

Today I stopped in to read up on a blog I check out from time to time... and I was hit square between the eyes with a challenge...



blog to visit: Only speak words that make souls stronger



I've now got this printable plaque posted in just about every room of my house, my office wall, the bathroom mirror, the truck, as a bookmark, in my checkbook (do I really still use a checkbook)... you get the point!



As I contemplated this today several things were apparent:
1) Sometimes those words are loving/gentle words
2) Sometimes those words are direct/strong words
3) Sometimes those words are painful
4) Sometimes those words are tough to say
5) Most importantly, those words should be God's words

Will you take MY challenge?

If so, do 3 things for me:
1) Read the above blog
2) Print up a few copies of the "plaque" and post it in several places
3) Contemplate on what it means to you, how you can act it out

Thanksgiving... YIPPEE!!!

Thanksgiving... how I've been looking forward to you. And while looking forward to you I was talking with my Grampa M last week... we chatted about the upcoming turkey and gravy, and all the fixin's. And he turned and looked at me, his eyes widening... and he exclaimed "YIIIPPPEEEE!!!!"


Thanksgiving... I think I might like you more than I like Christmas... (gasp!)





Extra time with husband, aunt and uncle, cousins and other family friends. Good food. Oranges and plums and browns and mustard colors. Music time. Cold weather (aka snuggly weather).

Plus, there's still a lot to look forward to... more holiday baking, cooking and enjoying. I don't have to pack everything up and put it away right away. I will soon work on my Christmas cards (crafting and writing and sending). I will soon receive Christmas cards in the mail...


My heart is bursting with gratitude ...


We truly are blessed... we know it. We share it. We love life and all that God has given us.



Life is good...

Dreams...

When it comes to dreams I don’t usually remember them (nor do I give much credence to their symbolism). And if I do remember them it’s because they are so outrageous and weird (like my mother ACTUALLY having 16 heads or that I won a Lamborghini) that it’s simply hard to believe.

But this morning? This morning I had some dreams that stirred me to the core… that woke me with a start.

The first dream was about someone I talk to almost every day. And as I visited with her at her home, I found she had been working endlessly to re-arrange and remodel her entire house. Yet, she had not breathed a word of it to me when we would talk on a regular basis. Was it me? Was I not asking her what she had planned for the day? Was I too caught up in my own problems/excitement/drama to ask about what’s going on in her life? Or was she hiding something on purpose? If so, why would she do that? (These are earnest questions… I want to know the “WHY” - why would she hide this? I want to know the “WHY” so I can fix what needs to be fixed.)

The second dream was about a childhood friend who wouldn’t look me in the eyes. She was hiding her facial expression behind a book… literally. When she would talk to me she would hold a book up in front of her face. And later in the dream when I came around to talk to her about it, she was receiving comfort from a surprising source… someone who has been two-faced (very obviously acting/responding to one person a certain way while acting/responding differently to another person/group of people).

Not to mention, this third person has been outwardly un-authentic … telling me what she WANTS me to know, rather than being real with me… even if it means disagreeing with my take on things. (And whoever said we all have to agree with each other?! What a boring existence that would be!) She has a different answer for every person she talks to. She is simply a mirror of the person she is having a conversation with. Why? Does she not feel confident enough to have her own opinion? Does she want to fit in so badly that she just agrees with everyone?

But back to my thoughts on the 2nd friend… was she going to all of this trouble to hide something from me? Does she feel I will judge her? Does she feel I will belittle her? Why wouldn’t she come to me for comfort? Or have I offended her in a way that it hurts her to face me?


Did these dreams signify something in my life? Did they signify that my friends are hurting and that I need to pray for them, reach out to them? Or is it more of an internal thing? Do they signify that I have some work to do on myself so that I don’t cause these dramatic problems in my friendships?

Should these dreams even signify anything to me at all? Am I reading too much into the dreams spurred on by the spicy food I had for dinner last night?!

I sit here and ponder… praying for my hurting friends, any strained relationships, my own person. Through daily learning and an honest desire to better myself, I can be the best wife/friend/team-mate/co-worker I know how to be. It is my earnest desire that I can be honest/real/authentic with others and that they can be the same with me… whether we agree with each other or not, whether we see things from the same perspective or not, whether or not …

“Whether or not”… we can only be true to ourselves. Being true to ourselves we face ourselves and our relationships with authenticity.

And here is the “ah, ha!” moment…

As a Christian I fully believe this:
To be authentic it is imperative to maintain that God created us in HIS image. And HE LOVES US!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! Ugliness and all… imperfections and all… even with all the crazy/weird things we think or do. So why do we hide our ugly parts, our inadequacies, our unsure footing? Why do we try to impress others… or even show each other up, attempt to be better than others? Is it because we don’t like ourselves? We don’t like who HE created us to be?

Let me say it again… God created us in HIS image! How He loves us…


How comforting to know He loves me … just the way I am.


Amazing song: How He Loves Us




Life is good...

My Grandmother's handwriting...

I was going through some storage boxes several weeks ago...





And stumbled across this letter from my Grandmother Ruth. It was written in 1994...


Upon seeing her handwriting, my sorting stopped. I sat there and looked at the writing... not reading it, just looking at the curves of her "L"... the slant of her "H"... the loop under the "G"... and I started crying.





I desperately miss my Gramma Ruth. One Thanksgiving week she lost her battle to cancer. Now every Thanksgiving, several times throughout the day, we'll talk about Gramma. How funny she was. How her house smelled. How she made a new dessert every night with dinner. How she loved her Franciscan Apple dinnerware.

When she was dying I was in "a bad place" of my life... and I didn't visit her very much. I couldn't deal with losing her. And so I acted as if she'd already passed. Oh how I regret that now...




This picture was taken at their 50th anniversary celebration. We were at Anthony's Fish Market in Chula Vista. We enjoyed time together... in true Marshek tradition, over food. But we knew her days were numbered...

Gramma was only with us a few more months after that picture was taken. And we sure appreciated the time together.




She took care of her family the best she knew how. She loved many children... hers and those that God alowed to pass through their lives (through the foster system). But most of all... she loved my Grampa. And for that I'm grateful. My Grandparents are leaving quite the legacy for the family to carry on...




Life is good...

The projects continue...

My Dad was in town for a couple days.

I first greeted him with a hug.

Then I broke it to him that I had some projects waiting...






Dad - thanks for taking the time to remove the old light covers, trim the new ones and install them! It sure makes my kitchen a lot brighter!


But I have one problem... after replacing them I can see how dirty my kitchen is...


Life is good...

what kind of tree am i?

a palm? if so, what kind?



i've searched high and low... and can't seem to figure this one out...



i would appreciate some intel...

who says "intel"?! sorry... apparently i've been watching too much tv...


see that spikey looking thing coming out of the middle? that's the next frond getting ready to sprout and open up...

Lord, please forgive me...

...I responded in anger.

Someone decided they would do our family a favor and tell us how we should operate. An attempt was made to rip each layer of our family apart... from our heritage to the great grandchildren. (What this individual doesn't know is that this is just going to make us stronger. But that's another blog post...)

And I digress, but I have to say it: WHO DOES THAT?!

I consider this type of behavior to be "below the belt". It was an underhanded attempt to what? Knock our feet out from underneath us?! That's just downright unsportsmanlike.

And what did I do?! I got angry. My heart turned black. It was ugly! I wanted to hop in the car and drive to his house (even though I'd have to drive through a few states to get there) and ... um, I wanted to STEP ON HIS TOES.

OK - in all reality I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to respond in anger and maybe even slap him (I've never done that before... is it a relief to finally do it?!). The response in my heart was ugly... but it's the truth... it's how I felt.


And yes, I know I'm crazy for showing my ugly dark side. Here I sit and type... sending this ugliness out into the blog universe. And I'm doing my best to be authentic... to be real... to be genuine...


Lord, as I meditate on the first chapter of James, please correct my attitude, heal my stretching and heaving heart and protect me from bitterness.


I know you created me in your image... and I won't beat myself up over this for too long. But I'm still learning how to honor you and your sacrifice, how to put aside my sinful nature and focus on your glory as mentioned in the eighth chapter of Romans.

Thank you for loving me anyway... I sit at your feet and worship your holiness...

My life flashed before my eyes...

It happened several weeks ago. The day was August 28, 2010...

Heading south on the 15 freeway, on the way to day #2 of a ridiculously fun weekend with a great group of girlfriends! It was early on Saturday morning... and there were few people on the freeway. I was in "still-waking-up" mode, sipping on my iced coffee and probably singing along to some tunes. My SUV was "flying" down the freeway (however I will not admit to my speed on the grounds that it might incriminate me).


And then ... the truck in front of me changed lanes.


::: we're going to take it in slow motion from here :::


As the driver hit a bump in the road the ladder in the back of his truck popped up off the rack and was airborne! I heard a crash, a scrape and the sound of metal crunching against metal.

And the driver kept going... no brake lights... no nothing (yes, the driver was a "HE" - how do I know?! because he was clueless of the problem happening behind him!)...

Still parallel to the ground, the ladder flew into the front grate of a work truck in the lane to my right... I had just passed the truck next to me, so it was slightly behind my right bumper.


It all happened so fast, but it looked like the ladder flipped, and then got run over by the truck. Immediately the driver hit the brakes and veered off to the shoulder of the freeway. How he didn't hit someone else in the process was a miracle... thankfully few people were on the road so early in the morning.


In my mind, as I replayed what had just happened, I watched that ladder fly by my passenger window. It dawned on me that IF it had flown out while that truck was still directly in front of me it would have hit my vehicle at a higher elevation than it hit the truck next to/behind me. Could it have potentially gone through my front windshield?!


Thankfully, there are only a few times in my life that my livelihood has flashed before my eyes. But everytime that "flash" happens, well... I thank the Lord on High for not taking me home to Him yet. (Not that I'd complain if He did... selfish me just wants to stick around here a bit longer.)

I love my life. I love my work (on most days). I love my husband (except when he ... well, enough said). I love how I'm finally meeting some of the goals I've had for a long, long time.

When it comes down to it, while I believe I would "be ready" when that day comes ... this was yet another reminder that my days are numbered (as if the time the door flew off the minivan while I was waiting to cross a busy intersection downtown San Diego wasn't enough... or the time I stopped on the side of the road to stop a man trying to choke his girlfriend, to death... or the time... well, you get the idea).

Am I living how I'm supposed to live? Will I leave behind the legacy meant for my life? What else does God intend for this life before He calls me to His side?

Caught unaware...

Over the past 6-8 months I have been slowly pulling boxes out of storage in order to rid up and organize/sort. As a task-oriented person, this has been a task I've enjoyed, so far... but I wasn't prepared for this... I was caught unaware...

Last weekend I pulled 4 boxes into the living room. They were marked "kitchen", "Lori's old school stuff" (2 boxes) and "reminiscence stuff".

The kitchen box was easy enough. I pulled out the apron that was packed among an empty recipe box, some candle holders and a hanging basket for fruit. Hey - I've been looking for that!

The school stuff box was fun. Too bad I didn't have these school pics and awards when I was scrapbooking a few months back. Hmm... maybe I can add a few pages to that edition of my history?

And then I opened the reminiscence box. It was full of smaller shoe boxes and stationary boxes full of cards and letters. But this next box was unmarked.

This is when I was blind-sided, bushwhacked, caught unaware, hit unexpectedly... (yes, I hit up the thesaurus this morning).

It contained what I had considered "the junk" from my marriage and subsequent divorce in 1996. First I went through a large pile of engagement, bridal shower and wedding cards. But when I opened the box of pictures I got sick to my stomach. There was a picture of me standing in my miniature living room. Our apartment was built over my brother-in-law's garage. I was surrounded by our hand-me-down furniture and the men of the family who had just moved us in. I could see the anxiety on my face and in every muscle of my body...

Why do the faces of these men still turn my stomach?! But the bigger question is, why do I feel a sting hitting the back of my eyes ever these people?!


Today... looking over these pictures, numb, crying on the living room floor.... and shocked by the sadness I am experiencing for the first time in 14 years. Am I really feeling SAD over the loss of myself and this marriage?

That's a new one... I haven't felt sad over this before.

But back to moving day...
Prior to the divorce, at the time of moving into the apartment over the garage, I was experiencing regular anxiety attacks. I was experiencing 3 or 4 attacks a day. Looking at the picture in my hand, I had been married for about 8 months... and our marriage would last another 6 months or so.

I didn't trust these men standing in my living room. I didn't trust my own response to them. I couldn't sleep through the night. I couldn't keep up with their expectations on my life. And I had felt forced to take on a full time job (and drop all my college classes) so that my husband could take an unpaid sabbatical because he was stressed. Why was he stressed? Maybe because of his family's expectations on his life?

All the while I was torn. My faith told me I had to do my best to be a woman of integrity, faith, honesty. And if I lived up to their expectations on my life I couldn't be those things also.


Fast forward to the Fall of 1996...
Immediately following the divorce I felt FREE. I had worked so hard to keep those people happy all the while trying to keep to my morals. I don't know when it happened, but at some point I became sarcastic and jilted about that period of my life. I had a popular saying: "It sucked to be a Hoover!" Yes, my married name had been Hoover and I loved playing up the whole "suck" factor in light of the popular vaccuum company. I even took on a theme song "I Haven't Got Time For The Pain". Thank you Carly Simon! You were a big part of my life for a long time.


Being honest about it now... I knew our marriage was over before it ever began. Literally, I almost called it all off 6 weeks before the wedding. It's a bittersweet thing to say... but I'm glad I didn't. Through this time of my life I was blessed with a "sister" and niece who I still consider family. Many friendships were strengthened through this period of my life... and God gave me a ministry in talking with other women about the devastation of divorce and healing from such a tragedy.


Still I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I gave it all I had to give. I did my best to make our marriage work. I did my best to honor my husband. In fact, I gave more than I had to give. And in the end their expectations are what caused the marriage to crumble. Their expectations on how my husband should control what his wife says, how she acts and why she does what she does caused him to leave me one day while I was at work. They talked him into deception. And deceive me he did.


And I'm here to report that I sat on the living room floor last week for nearly 30 minutes... the tears kept coming. I cried more tears than I thought were still there. My heart broke... and healed in those same minutes. I am ready to say a final goodbye.


Fast forward to healing...
I rose from the ashes of that marriage/divorce with a stronger integrity, a stronger faith... a renewed sense of speaking up for those who can't speak for themselves.


To this day I celebrate my own personal FREEDOM DAY... every October 20th. I take some time away to think about the lessons learned, the bittersweet times with that family, the renewal that God brought about in my life. And the woman He's created me to be.

And I think this year I will have another bonfire to "rid up" the rest of this junk.

Anyone have a fire pit I can use?

Edited note from author:
To the credit of my ex-husband... several years after our divorce he called me to apologize. Whether or not he truly meant it, or if it was a ploy prior to asking me to consider giving him another chance, I truly believe he recognized how horrible he allowed our life to become. Don't get me wrong, neither of us were perfect in this marriage. But we did have the opportunity to clear the air.

Fast forward to today. This month I celebrate a 7th anniversary with my wonderful husband, Lee. I am blessed beyond BLESSED to have found a man who loves me, encourages me, supports me and wants the best for me. We have weathered some pretty tumultuous storms and come through them even stronger and more in love. I love my husband!

Welcome Fall!!!

How I love this time of year... orange tones and yellow hues... ahhh!!!

In this picture you'll see an herb bowl (thyme, oregano and italian flat-leaf parsley), a yellow gerber daisy, my new gardenia bush and my angelonia. I love that little plant... with little white blossoms...




It was time to spruce up around the house because with Mom and Dad coming in for a visit ... well, I just had to welcome them with some good ol' downhome hospitality.







I even placed a bouquet of some of her favorite flowers in the guest room, aka "The Beach House", so she could wake up to some pretty stuff.




Too bad they weren't here long enough to actually relax and enjoy their time. Maybe next time... this trip was simply too brief.



nevertheless, Life Is Good...

We went for a drive...

I can't remember exactly WHY or where we were going... but we got in the car and went for a drive. This was about a month ago now. My memory is obviously failing me.


We stopped in Carlsbad ... again, not sure why. It was just one of those days. We didn't want to be at home...



We stopped to take in the coastal breeze... this is looking west over what is typically the Carlsbad Flower Fields. But the flower season is gone. It's just tilled up soil at this point.



At this point, I cannot remember what we did after taking this picture. We probably had dinner somewhere? Nevertheless, it was enjoyable evening w/ my hero-of-a-hubby.

I love my handsome husband...

Making headway...

Quite often in the afternoons I get to enjoy this: spending time at the patio table, putting the feet up for a rest, reading a book and sipping on a glass of wine.

And it is exactly what I've hoped it would be...




I've been waiting for this yard project to be completed for a very long time! Unfortunately I cannot say I've been very patient through this process. However, I CAN say, we're so pleased with the headway we're finally making!


If you've been following along over the past year you'll know that we've put extra efforts into finishing our back yard... once and for all.





We planted an herb box, with a single rose bush right in the middle of the box.

The aromatic medallion tea rose provided a new blossom this week. I think it's going to survive. While it's been a mellower-than-usual summer, the two weeks of extreme heat we had was tough on this rose... it still has loads of scorched leaves. But there's also over a dozen new areas of growth all over the plant. I'd say it's thriving!


So, it's now time to go out and do some clean up back there (before the sun creeps over the hedges) so I can continue to enjoy the bounty of our hard work.

How are YOU enjoying the work of your hands and the blessings of our heavenly Father?

Life is good...