Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A new sabbath...

The past few days I've been thinking over this word: sabbath. And the thoughts take me back to writing about being an adrenaline junky, earlier. And I think back on how far I've come ... but recovering from that addiction has been a struggle, partly successful and yet something I'm still working on.

I have learned it was about more than just "saying no" and "slowing down" and "sitting still"... it was about dealing with WHY I couldn't say no, slow down or sit still.
Doubting this is scientific, I have a theory on addictions: my behavior became an addiction in that moment in time when I made the decision that THIS (addiction) is better than THAT (physical/emotional pain that I was running from, etc).

Let me take a step back... I do not pretend to know the scientific background on addictions... I just know what the issue was for me.

And for me... I became an adrenaline junky because I didn't want to deal with the traumatic happenings in my life. Why exactly were they traumatic? I'm not quite sure... everyone gets hurt... but why was this hurt so traumatic? I don't know... it just was. And I was blind-sided by it. I was not prepared to deal with it. I could not wrap my head around the blow to my life.

So, I found something else to take my attention away from the trauma. I stifled every last feeling and emotion... and I became strung out on "to do" lists, only 3 hours of sleep a night, espresso and not being able to see straight. My house fell apart: the house work wasn't getting done, the bills were hardly being paid (because I simply forgot to pay them), etc. I was "too busy working" to hang out with family, meet friends for coffee, etc. In effect, I used this excuse as a way to keep from getting involved and being hurt again.

Having admitted I had a problem was the first step... and now I think I'm on the upswing. I now get over 6 hours of sleep a night, I go on vacations with my family, I take days off of work to hang out with my husband, I meet friends for coffee/glass of wine, walk through farmer's markets, go on scrapbook retreats and connect regularly with some really great people. I have picked up the hobby of cooking... and love taking treats to friends at work, church, etc.

I now allow myself to cry... I allow myself to be happy, sad, hurt, confused, ecstatic... simply put, I allow myself to have emotions... without feeling guilty or ashamed.

And I'm loving life... and I'm up for a second sabbatical at work and very much looking forward to taking some time off to rest, relax, read, sleep more than 6 hours a night... I'm ever so blessed to have the opportunity to refresh like this...

I wonder when I'll finally get around to doing the house cleaning ...


Holly said...

sounds like the Holy Spririt is alive and well in your life! God can't be heard often over the business and noise in our life. I do that too I think to avoid what He might be telling me. How stupid is that because it is always goodness but we do opt for the known and confortable in place of the feeling of uncertaintity and fear of seeing ourselves clearly. Funny thing is God sees us in light of eternity not as we see ourselves, Lesson for me...always check what I am thinking against what God's character says about Him . That's when we really can bathe in His love. Praying that you continue to have ears to hear and eyes to see God's hand in your life sweet friend!!!!!!

Kay said...

Lori, I am reading (re-reading) your blogs and I just love this post. It blessed me, and I want to thank you. Today has been trying for me, I let the tears fall, and made my last trip to mom's empty house to say good bye and thank God for the opportunity I had to be her daughter ... and then I turned in the keys. And I needed to hear this post. You are truly an angel!


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