This weekend, as I've been in spring cleaning mode, I've been in another deeply retrospective mood. Being in this mood is usually a good thing for me - but it sometime causes some pretty damaging thoughts about my self. That's what this weekend's mood is like - damaging.
It all started with, centered around the chore at hand, the thoughts of why there is so much clutter in my life, er, world ... "Why do I hold on to so many things?" At the moment I was honestly only wondering about THINGS... material things.
Why am I holding on to one of my neighbor's books about historic homes? I read it 6 months ago and probably gleaned from it all I'll get out of it. Why is it still on my desk? Why haven't I dropped it off at her house ... plus, I've seen her a dozen times since reading it? Why?!
Why did it take me this long to pull down the Christmas flair? I've had weekends full of time since Christmas... and it's now finally down! Should've just kept it up until Dec 2008! WHY?!
After beating myself up over these things, and a few glasses of wine last night... my thoughts then turned internal. Why am I still holding on to the bitter words shared w/ a friend a few Christmases back?! Why am I still holding on to what an unhappy customer said to me last year?! Where did I stash the character traits that make me a strong, powerful, happy-go-lucky, confident woman?! They're under this rubble somewhere!
More importantly - how do I find them again?! How do I find those character traits that my husband fell in love with? .... the traits that so many of my friends so charming about me... ? And I do too! I miss that "me" that I can't find! How do I find me again? Why did I get stuffed underneath all this mess? Why did I allow that to happen?
Why?!
I don't know the answers to most of these questions yet. But I'm going to start working first on finding those traits again... put them back "on"... and then start to answer those questions one at a time.
I'll start with a good visit to the gym first thing in the morning... listening to some Superchick... spurring on the endorphins needed to tackle such a task... and putting a smile on my face. A quote I saw today that helped along this attitude... "Taking joy in life is a woman's best cosmetic." - Rosalind Russell
I might be getting older - but I like to think about it as maturing. Maybe my maturity has helped me to be less arrogant - so I can work on being more CONFIDENT. Maybe I'm more CONTENT than "happy-go-lucky" now than I used to be. Maybe I'm less strong now so that I can be more COMPASSIONATE. I don't know yet... but finding out is what I'll do while I continue to mature. Because even though the laugh lines are forming around my eyes - I'm NOT getting older! I'm getting better!
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