OK - in all reality I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to respond in anger and maybe even slap him (I've never done that before... is it a relief to finally do it?!). The response in my heart was ugly... but it's the truth... it's how I felt.
And yes, I know I'm crazy for showing my ugly dark side. Here I sit and type... sending this ugliness out into the blog universe. And I'm doing my best to be authentic... to be real... to be genuine...
Lord, as I meditate on the first chapter of James, please correct my attitude, heal my stretching and heaving heart and protect me from bitterness.
I know you created me in your image... and I won't beat myself up over this for too long. But I'm still learning how to honor you and your sacrifice, how to put aside my sinful nature and focus on your glory as mentioned in the eighth chapter of Romans.
Thank you for loving me anyway... I sit at your feet and worship your holiness...
Still parallel to the ground, the ladder flew into the front grate of a work truck in the lane to my right... I had just passed the truck next to me, so it was slightly behind my right bumper.
It all happened so fast, but it looked like the ladder flipped, and then got run over by the truck. Immediately the driver hit the brakes and veered off to the shoulder of the freeway. How he didn't hit someone else in the process was a miracle... thankfully few people were on the road so early in the morning.
In my mind, as I replayed what had just happened, I watched that ladder fly by my passenger window. It dawned on me that IF it had flown out while that truck was still directly in front of me it would have hit my vehicle at a higher elevation than it hit the truck next to/behind me. Could it have potentially gone through my front windshield?!
Thankfully, there are only a few times in my life that my livelihood has flashed before my eyes. But everytime that "flash" happens, well... I thank the Lord on High for not taking me home to Him yet. (Not that I'd complain if He did... selfish me just wants to stick around here a bit longer.)
I love my life. I love my work (on most days). I love my husband (except when he ... well, enough said). I love how I'm finally meeting some of the goals I've had for a long, long time.
When it comes down to it, while I believe I would "be ready" when that day comes ... this was yet another reminder that my days are numbered (as if the time the door flew off the minivan while I was waiting to cross a busy intersection downtown San Diego wasn't enough... or the time I stopped on the side of the road to stop a man trying to choke his girlfriend, to death... or the time... well, you get the idea).
Am I living how I'm supposed to live? Will I leave behind the legacy meant for my life? What else does God intend for this life before He calls me to His side?
This is when I was blind-sided, bushwhacked, caught unaware, hit unexpectedly... (yes, I hit up the thesaurus this morning).
It contained what I had considered "the junk" from my marriage and subsequent divorce in 1996. First I went through a large pile of engagement, bridal shower and wedding cards. But when I opened the box of pictures I got sick to my stomach. There was a picture of me standing in my miniature living room. Our apartment was built over my brother-in-law's garage. I was surrounded by our hand-me-down furniture and the men of the family who had just moved us in. I could see the anxiety on my face and in every muscle of my body...
Why do the faces of these men still turn my stomach?! But the bigger question is, why do I feel a sting hitting the back of my eyes ever these people?!
Today... looking over these pictures, numb, crying on the living room floor.... and shocked by the sadness I am experiencing for the first time in 14 years. Am I really feeling SAD over the loss of myself and this marriage?
That's a new one... I haven't felt sad over this before.
But back to moving day...
Prior to the divorce, at the time of moving into the apartment over the garage, I was experiencing regular anxiety attacks. I was experiencing 3 or 4 attacks a day. Looking at the picture in my hand, I had been married for about 8 months... and our marriage would last another 6 months or so.
I didn't trust these men standing in my living room. I didn't trust my own response to them. I couldn't sleep through the night. I couldn't keep up with their expectations on my life. And I had felt forced to take on a full time job (and drop all my college classes) so that my husband could take an unpaid sabbatical because he was stressed. Why was he stressed? Maybe because of his family's expectations on his life?
All the while I was torn. My faith told me I had to do my best to be a woman of integrity, faith, honesty. And if I lived up to their expectations on my life I couldn't be those things also.
Fast forward to the Fall of 1996...
Immediately following the divorce I felt FREE. I had worked so hard to keep those people happy all the while trying to keep to my morals. I don't know when it happened, but at some point I became sarcastic and jilted about that period of my life. I had a popular saying: "It sucked to be a Hoover!" Yes, my married name had been Hoover and I loved playing up the whole "suck" factor in light of the popular vaccuum company. I even took on a theme song "I Haven't Got Time For The Pain". Thank you Carly Simon! You were a big part of my life for a long time.
Being honest about it now... I knew our marriage was over before it ever began. Literally, I almost called it all off 6 weeks before the wedding. It's a bittersweet thing to say... but I'm glad I didn't. Through this time of my life I was blessed with a "sister" and niece who I still consider family. Many friendships were strengthened through this period of my life... and God gave me a ministry in talking with other women about the devastation of divorce and healing from such a tragedy.
Still I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I gave it all I had to give. I did my best to make our marriage work. I did my best to honor my husband. In fact, I gave more than I had to give. And in the end their expectations are what caused the marriage to crumble. Their expectations on how my husband should control what his wife says, how she acts and why she does what she does caused him to leave me one day while I was at work. They talked him into deception. And deceive me he did.
And I'm here to report that I sat on the living room floor last week for nearly 30 minutes... the tears kept coming. I cried more tears than I thought were still there. My heart broke... and healed in those same minutes. I am ready to say a final goodbye.
Fast forward to healing...
I rose from the ashes of that marriage/divorce with a stronger integrity, a stronger faith... a renewed sense of speaking up for those who can't speak for themselves.
To this day I celebrate my own personal FREEDOM DAY... every October 20th. I take some time away to think about the lessons learned, the bittersweet times with that family, the renewal that God brought about in my life. And the woman He's created me to be.
And I think this year I will have another bonfire to "rid up" the rest of this junk.
Anyone have a fire pit I can use?
Edited note from author:
To the credit of my ex-husband... several years after our divorce he called me to apologize. Whether or not he truly meant it, or if it was a ploy prior to asking me to consider giving him another chance, I truly believe he recognized how horrible he allowed our life to become. Don't get me wrong, neither of us were perfect in this marriage. But we did have the opportunity to clear the air.
Fast forward to today. This month I celebrate a 7th anniversary with my wonderful husband, Lee. I am blessed beyond BLESSED to have found a man who loves me, encourages me, supports me and wants the best for me. We have weathered some pretty tumultuous storms and come through them even stronger and more in love. I love my husband!
How are YOU enjoying the work of your hands and the blessings of our heavenly Father?
Life is good...
I made Mom's Banana Bread and Berry Good Blueberry Muffins.
I think we've determined this is "mother possum". And did I mention yesterday I think she's rather old? Well, she's back...
And what was the clicking noise? I'm glad you asked! It was the mother making a clicking noise with her mouth. And then we heard a clicking noise on the other side of the chain link fence. Then more clicking from mom, carrying 3 babies on her back. Again she would click her mouth then we'd hear more clicking from the other side of the fence. Interesting...
Kinda gross... but still interesting.
I didn't stick around to see her figure out how to go over or under or through the chain link fence... but I did snap a few pictures.
Did you know possums only have a 13 day gestation period? Check out more info here: Possums (That is, only if you're interested.)
Our yard is currently under construction (and it's been that way for about 6 months). The grass is in (although it already has some brown spots - so we're working on that). Some herbs and a Medallion Tea Rose are in the ground. The inherited calla lilies from my Gramma's back yard are finally thriving. However the larger flower bed still isn't completed - we need to fix the sprinklers first. Then we'll put in 3 types of cannas, salvia leucantha, african iris, euphorbia, agapanthus, and some other pretty things whose names I've currently blanked on. These items are all currently in a safe spot of the yard awaiting their "new home".
If you've ever seen our yard in any one of it's renditions (there have been many over the past 10 years) or even in it's most REPEATED and COMMON rendition (4-foot high weeds) then you'll be as happy as I am when I say it's FINALLY getting done right!
Oh how happy it makes me to go outside and spend time in our little piece of GREEN (instead of brown, dying weeds) ... except when I round the corner and see this!
And yes, it scared the liver out of me!
Then I remembered I brought my camera outside with me (but I didn't want to turn my back on this thing). Man, it was ugly! He was moving slowly, hadn't bared his teeth at me yet and wasn't playing dead from fear of me scaring him. So we were ok, for now...
I snapped off a few pics and he started moving out of the yard... he crawled behind the shed, up a 3 foot wall (HOW do that do that?!) and sat down under my car.
And I got a few more shots... and while I was looking through the lens I noticed... is that ? Really? This thing only has one eye?!
Then I was literally grossed out... and happy he/she was leaving the yard.
If you were wondering, NOW is when you thank me for that beautiful rose picture! Here, let's look at it again!
OK - so back to the beauty of my half-done yard! (Oh, by the way - you're welcome!)
Once I was convinced he/she was long gone, I was finally able to relax. I kicked up my feet and read for awhile. This IS the life...
I loved looking at my freshly planted pot of herbs: flat-leaf italian parsley, greek oregano, lemon thyme and cilantro. Mmm... makes me think of dinner cooking in the crockpot!
While we're at it, let's get another good look at that beautiful rose bud! Like I said earlier this is a Medallion Tea Rose. I fell in love with the variegated apricot colors and the mellow scent. And to my surprise, this hybrid rose was officially registered in the year I was born! It was meant to be...
And now for their close-up...
It was a nice day... started off with 12 miles on the bike, followed by a short day at work, I enjoyed the best breakfast burrito in town (thank you, Nicos!), soaked up a much-needed nap, and enjoyed God's beauty in the yard-that-may-never-be-finished!
I'm one lucky girl!
Psalm 27:4
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
